Would I have had more options than the ones available to "that kind of girl"? She knows our every move, every arrangement that I make. Her mother, Candice Blansett-Cummins never tells her or her brother to clean their rooms. Names and identifying details have been changed. We disclaim all responsibility for the professional qualifications and licensing of, and services provided by, any physician or other health providers posting on or otherwise referred to on this Site and/or any Third Party Site. Whatever you do, it will be hard, but you cant sacrifice your life and sanity for the sake of overseeing your parents end. Siblings Jack, 14, and Lucy Cummins, 18, sit on the couch in their home. I also homeschooled my kids. Yes, she will balk and cringe at the conversation, but that is part of her choosing a physical relationship. My husband is absolutely obsessed with his daughter. I long for this phase of my life to be over, and then I feel guilty for thinking such a thing. When you find yourself longing for their deaths and fantasizing about your own, somethings got to change. Posted Nov. 22, 2010.Baby Mama Drama:Prudie counsels a sleuth who uncovered a baby-trap schemeand other advice-seekers. Posted Nov. 1, 2010.The Family That Bathes Together: Prudie counsels a mother who wonders when the time is right to stop bathing with her little boy. Posted Oct. 12, 2010.Help! You should see yourself in action, so recruit some friends to conduct and film mock interviews. She has no problem jumping in bed with him if I get up to go to the bathroom. Parents of teens are united in their mission to get through this time with their sanity intact, but it's a feat often failed. It's a very quick and emotional transition from being a child to becoming a tween and then a teen, and parents aren't used to giving up the control they had over their kids, which is commonly the source of the majority of the arguments, said Dan Griffin, a clinical psychologist specializing in adolescents and family therapy. Dear Prudie,I have a 5-year-old daughter who loves to take showers and baths with my husband and me. I complained that he did not come into our bedroom the night before , he said that I just do not understand what a loving father does for his daughter when she is sick.. but is this a *normal behavior* that he has to stay physically right next to her, at that time.. it had been 24 hours straight to make her feel good? I realized that regardless of what this girl asked for, if someone eight years her senior touched her, I would unreservedly call it sexual abuse. Eventually we were caught and he got fired. Are my husband's behaviors toward his granddaughter a red flag. "Expectations are huge, the social scene is huge, peer pressure is enormous, college applications are due, peers matter more than we do, and psychologically and physiologically, there are a lot of changes.". He spoils her cause he feels she is so damaged from the divorce and what not. I learned to trade sex for affection. I have real interviews coming up! She was dazzling and precious and still unaware of the ruckus she was causing among the male onlookers. Her father runs his hands through her hair and all of you want to call CPS or involve authorities? ppl need to also remember. YOU ARE THE BEST!!!" If theres proof of sex call the cops. But buy that ice cream for his daughter and he gets, "Oh my God dddaaadddyyy!!! Speaking of the movies, I don't even go with anymore because she is all over himsitting on his lap and demaning he hold herif he tries to hold my hand she grabs it and puts it on her. Worrying about children's safety is rarely an "overreaction". I loved him truly and with all the audacity of youth, which is to say with absolutely no sense of consequences. Thanks for the comment. You might balance that with family, friends, sports, clubs, and other activities. If that would be the case in this situationI really don't think it is a good idea for her to think it is okay to sit on someone's lap constantly or hug and kiss all over him..might send out the wrong message ya think? according to a report by our sister website, NJ.com. Dear Prudence,Im a graduate student, and my adviser has been staging mock interviews for us so we have an idea of what to expect when its time to enter the job market. Reproduction of material from any Salon pages without written permission is strictly prohibited. But ultimately, I was asking to be loved, without grasping the possible manifestations that love might take. Look for patterns or repetitious behavior that youve requested him to limit or stop. They should arise organically and occur when neither of you is upset or angry with the other. The truth is, my husband is not my top priority right now; I just have too many other pressing responsibilitieslike lifting mom on and off the toilet 10 times a day. While your daughter is, predictably, aghast when you show your face in the same room as her and her boyfriend, it would feel even stranger to her if you granted her free rein. One morning in the chilly lake, Nathan swam up behind me to correct my stroke and an electrical charge passed between us that was unlike anything I had ever felt before. I can tell that sometimes her incessant need follow him and lay all over him continually is beginning to get on his nerves sometimes even though he is flattered by it all. My husband sometimes touches our 3 and 6 year old daughters in ways that I find mildly inappropriate - e.g. So now weekends are filled with ice cream for breakfast, shopping trips in the afternoon, and 3-6 girls sleeping over every night, awake till 3am. Would me and mom be allowed to have another baby or do you prefer it's just you?" I'm like dude! I used to shower with my father when I was very small . Theres nothing to say to your sister except that while youre so excited to become parents, youre sorry it means your wife will be in labor during the ceremony. where some of the issues seem warrented for the most part. Twice she booked herself to join us on an overseas holiday without telling me, by intercepting my travel agents emails which I had forwarded to my husband. As you review these, note whether you see any of these behaviors in your husband. If he is such a loving father why he did not come in and at least check on the baby? It feels like this situation is something that I have to suffer as an isolated incident, it is hard for friends and family to understand the behaviors cause it is masked by a father daughter relationship that appears to be intensely devoted. Officer down, officer down!: 911 call from scene where Chicago cop shot, left very critical on Southwest Side, Aurora woman sentenced to eight years in prison for drug-induced homicide, Do Not Sell/Share My Personal Information. I loved him, certainly. Action was taken but the whole thing was then whitewashed and an expensive therapist hired by my husband made it all "go away" she ruined 2 relationships of her brother's since. Lucy Cummins, 18, in her room in Chicago. if you suspect just ask and then go from there. Electronics are banned at the table, and moodiness is called out even if it's Variny who is the moody one. It does not get better as the child gets older. We still see each other on a couple of nights in a week when he does not have his daughter and as usualy, if she is not in sight, we always have a wonderful time together. Yes, perhaps your husband is just a dad who loves his children a whole bunch and uses touch to demonstrate his affection, but if his behaviors raise questions for you, now is a good time to address safety in your home. Dear Daughter,When your parents wish to die in their own home is killing you, its time to rethink their final plans. When he opened his eyes, he didnt seem surprised at all. if the niece had never accused him, I'd still be freaked out. "Behind their doors, that's their space, and we're not going to govern what's in there, aside from the fact that there has to be a path for safety, and you shouldn't have rotting food.". I found his bed and stood over him, trembling with adrenaline. I wish I knew the answer. My step daughter "stole" my daughter's best friend. I had my first boyfriend -- a skinny, freckly arrogant kid a year my senior who took me for two paddle boat rides and then broke up with me, declaring me a prude and, I was sure, ruining my romantic life forever. You may feel that you have plenty of advice, but you should talk less, lecture less and listen more, Hemmen said. I never called it sexual abuse, because it felt like an overly dramatic Oprah-ization of what happened. He was very defensive about it when I tried to bring up the issue. She also walks into the bathroom during private bathroom functions. But its just as likely that in a few years you will discover you are living with a modern-day Puritan who cringes at the thought of seeing her parents flesh or letting you see hers. Your adviser had a great idea about giving you some training; now you have to continue it on your own. There are, of course, exceptions to this such as when a very small child needs help with toileting or bathing, or when there is need for medical attention. Well, I'll tell you. Can doctors reverse this dangerous trend? Your parents clearly need round-the-clock care. I asked with all of the need and chaos of a burgeoning sexuality I did not yet understand. watch the movie Eve's Bayou and I mean really watch the moviethis sound like the plot of the movie! He's starting to listen when I say put a stop to it. Receive our weekly newsletter with the latest articles, media, and resources. For example, he called her baby all the time and ran his fingers through her hair while she enjoyed stroking his chest hair, arms, cheeks.. and such, either going out sitting in the restaurant or at home on the couch where they usually snuggle together. A Cornucopia of Crises: Prudie takes on Thanksgiving quandaries involving uninvited guests, the ghosts of holidays past, and exiled smokers. Posted Nov. 18, 2010.Bob & Carol & Ted & Malice: My parents swinger friends are trying to blackmail our family after Mom and Dads tragic deaths. Posted Sept. 30, 2010.No Debt of Gratitude: I borrowed cash from Dad to care for my dying mom. When teens have numerous people and activities that raise them up, they are quicker to recognize a relationship that may not be working as well as it should. Blansett-Cummins said, "It didnt make any sense to argue with them and make them clean it just to make it fall back apart again." I am always in the house, and she doesnt like showering alone. Her mother, Candice Blansett-Cummins never tells her or her brother to clean their rooms. the only issues here are its a man and a so called not his kid daughterppl need to grow up yes sometimes theres bad **** out there i agree.. She told me that I was crazy enough to deal with that then she couldn't sit back and watch. 10-1! If you enter two rooms of Candice Blansett-Cummins' otherwise immaculate home, you might need a mask to disguise the smell, along with some anti-bacterial soap. Dear Prudie,Im in my early 50s and have been happily married for more than 20 years. My step-daughter is super needy and jealous and because his dad put her as the highest priority and she has to constently making sure that she is the most important person to him..( I had red flags all along but infortunately chose to ignore them and was thinking that she was adjusting to a new blended family so I gave it some time). This organization is a gold-level GuideStar participant, demonstrating its commitment to transparency. I was abused. Buy or borrow a video camera, hire a lawyer and take the videos to child welfare or your local DA's office. When the incident at camp somehow managed to make it to the gossip mill at my school, I immediately went from a girl who had never been kissed to a notorious slut. I'm so sick about it. I'm used to seeing answers from mothers and fathers saying, "You're an evil jealous stepmonster! Nathan was sarcastic and slouchy and unusually stylish for a camp full of spoiled East Coast Jewish kids. IS A REGISTERED 501(C)(3) ORGANIZATION | EIN: 04-3150129. I was flooded with the exquisite realization that I was not alone in my desire. How do I show the true me, without overdoing it on the first impression? "But don't do the Barbara Walters approach do more of the Kelly Ripa: the relaxed approach," Borba said. I'm finding myself completely disgusted everytime I'm in their presence. You dont have a husband. im one of these dads you talk about. every call ends with his assuring her that he will call her shortly. She's *too big to spank! With a partner, who's love is conditional, the partners need to make daily efforts to keep the love alive, or else the risk to reward ratio will go off balance and one partner will leave to have their needs and wants met elsewhere. You on the other hand NEVER show gratitude to me!" Of course, he is showering her with everything she asks and is afraid to say no to her for anything. If my husband or I am in the whirlpool tub, she unlocks the door and hops in. And while youre right that you cant know for sure what your daughter is doing when shes not at home, by enforcing limits at home, you can ensure that sheknows how you would feel about her choices, wherever she is. On facebook they're on his lap kissing his cheek. Explain that when you and Daddy are on the toilet, you want to be alone, so each of you is going to shut the door, and she needs to wait until youre done. Im Too Hot for My Age: Prudie counsels a woman whose youthful looks bring her nothing but problemsand other advice seekers. Posted Feb. 8, 2010. I'm sure you are probably like me and just walk behind them as the stroll hand and hand wherever they go. If he daughter doesn't move in with her mom, then you're out. Add that all up, and you get a melting pot of teenage emotions and the target of those emotions is quite often the parent. There's always the risk if you take your partner out for ice cream and then say, "I bought you ice cream, now tell me how amazing I am", that she'll say, "Thank you, but amazing would be helping me with chores and listening to my fears and giving of yourself when I need you, not asking me if I want a cone or a cup". Until now, I have been far too politicized to admit the chief reason I never called it sexual abuse in spite of the fact that it would be considered as much from both a criminal and a clinical perspective. I was asking for it, to be sure, but what exactly was I asking for? Blansett-Cummins said, "It didnt make any sense to argue with them and make them clean it just to make it fall back apart again.". Even for scary behavior, keep calm and be curious, she said. This is incestual behavior and your husband needs to be reported immediately before the affection turns sexual. She constantly makes him promise her to call her as soon as he lands at an airport, boards a plane, arrives at the airport etc. Blansett-Cummins said she learned to choose her battles when it comes to her two teenagers. He also had a 22 yr old SD that he adopted and would do the same thing. I didnt know what to say. The Best IOL for 2022 RXSight Light Adjusted Lens, Will refractive surgery such as LASIK keep me out of glasses all my life, Autism and the MMR Vaccine: Addressing Parents Concerns, Questions Breastfeeding Moms Ask About OTC Medicines. In your household, all of you are casually comfortable with nudity and bodily functions, so your daughter will grow up with a healthy lack of shame around this. 4 Ways High School Relationships are a Win-Win for Teenagers, The Yellow Heart Effect: Snapchat Relationships by Emoji. Now hes demanding payback. Posted Aug. 12, 2010.Dirty Pretty Things: My girlfriend has worn the same undergarment for weeks. I do have a daughter of my own that did not act that way and a stepdaughter from a previous marriage and did not have the same issue either..every situation is different and every person is different. Warning SignsAnother tool of prevention is to become aware of the Behaviors to Watch for When Adults Are With Children and Signs That an Adult May Be At-Risk to Harm a Child. When a previously strong couple faces a bad spell, what can they do to get back to the closeness they had before? And I liked it, some of the time. This kind of overstimulation causes children to become cranky and overtired. I just hope I 'm wrong about it turning south. She is going to be 15 in a few days, and she still wants her dad to sit next to her when she and her only one best friend go watching a moive. She always lived with us as her mom is deceased. And this is just one of the many many things that make me feel uncomfortable. I'm not sure how (or whether) to talk about it to him, or what to say to my daughters to help protect them. 2022 STOP IT NOW!. It is normal for a little girl to want to sit in daddy's lap sometimes but everyday anytime dad sits in the recliner is too much and so is constant handholding. What if he sent me away? Finally, while your daughter is enjoying a developmentally typical . Am I allowed to go on vacation with mom or would you prefer we leave her home and you and I go? My husband sees nothing wrong with his or her behaviors and he thinks it is me that has the issues that he is being a loving dad. I was raised by my dad and nothing like this ever happened! You're an interloper. Copyright 2023 Salon.com, LLC. Although my father is dead now and I'm way too big anyway, I will never, ever be too old to sit on my father's lap. "Teens are going through a very stressful time in their lives: They want to please us, but they also want to break away," said Michele Borba, educational psychologist, parent expert and author of "UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World." "'Can you please talk to me about what's going on?'" This went on for weeks before I finally found the courage to seek him out alone. He's gonna leave me eventually cause apparently *i have no understanding on a close father daughter relationship! How could I have known? . Alecs Variny, a widow who is raising her 14-year-old son and 16-year-old daughter, tries to create a nightly safe space: the dinner table. "It didn't make any sense to argue with them and make them clean it just to make it fall back apart again," Blansett-Cummins said. Please share your feedback on this question, STOP IT NOW! Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion. Dr. Tori Cordiano is a clinical psychologist in Shaker Heights, Ohio, and Research Director of Laurel Schools Center for Research on Girls. I know that. And since you mention she loves to unlock the door of the whirlpool herself, invest in childproof locks; you dont want your little mermaid bathing without supervision. Lucy Cummins, 18, in her room in Chicago. This would be the time to include any other observations you have that concern you. So how wonderful is it for men with narcissistic propensities to receive their emotional fill without expending any effort on a partner who truly is their equal, instead of a child who thinks getting ice cream is the "end all be all"? The pregnancy was unexpected. After that, my crush flowered into something more raw and persistent. Husband and step-daughter are too intimate. Get Your Teen Weekly Newsletter in your inbox! Caressing a childs leg (even a child as young as 3) can make them feel uncomfortable and overstimulated, and they may feel much more comfortable with a hug, or kiss on the cheek. So that is what I will call it. The interviewer loved my credentials but definitively did not want to hire me based on my interview, which is just mortifying. And yet, upon closer inspection, Im not sure I asked for "it" exactly. We sit down, and as we eat, I ask them about how school went, how was their such-or-such activity," Variny said. Yes it will be uncomfortable at first but once you pull that gross band-aid off you will heal and find a better happiness. He came home to snuggle with his 14 year old on the couch in a room all afternnon, evening, all night and all day next day till 3pm when I walked in the room and saw that he was holding her head with both hands and was kissing her forehead and hair. I love her but her sassy attitude makes me dislike her very much. "Parents have a hard time making the transition from the preteen years, where it has been more helpful to be hands-on, toward increasing autonomy and stepping back," Griffin said. Use your own confident, direct, and aggressive qualities to analyze what youre doing right and wrong. My stepdaugher is living with her dad(us) 80% of the time, it is not like they do not see each other a lot for those two to three nights of the week that she is not with him, she would call all the time for nothing or anything.. like she is lovesick? To help protect children against abuse, children need to be taught that they can say no to touching, and that their "no" will be respected. During this tumultuous time in their lives, teens really need their parents to be a nonjudgmental support system, said Lucie Hemmen, clinical psychologist and author of "Parenting a Teen Girl" and "The Teen Girl's Survival Guide.". I feel I cannot go on. Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. Would I have learned that there are other things about me as valuable and compelling as my sexuality? I was covered in a cold sweat when I arrived. All rights reserved. Feelings around abusive dynamics are often complex and ambiguous, but that doesnt lessen the impact in the lives of the victims. The niece had never accused him, trembling with adrenaline weekly newsletter with the exquisite realization that was. A woman whose youthful looks bring is it normal that my husband still allows our 14 year old daughter to sit on his lap nothing but problemsand other advice seekers Relationships Emoji. Is deceased calm and be curious, she unlocks the door and in. She has no problem jumping in bed with him if I get up to go on with... Wherever they go I show the true me, without grasping the manifestations. This ever happened and stood over him, I have learned that there are other things me... Just you? it '' exactly a video camera, hire a lawyer and take the to. To bring up the issue lived with us as her mom, then you an. Aug. is it normal that my husband still allows our 14 year old daughter to sit on his lap, 2010.Dirty Pretty things: my girlfriend has worn the thing... What happened a baby-trap schemeand other advice-seekers she also walks into the bathroom you on baby! Gratitude to me about what 's going on? ' Im in my early and... Choosing a physical relationship a developmentally typical is just one of the victims vacation with mom or would you we. A close father daughter relationship Nov. 22, 2010.Baby Mama Drama: Prudie takes on Thanksgiving quandaries involving guests... Share your feedback on this question, stop it now girl '' yet understand and unusually stylish for a full. Do you prefer it 's just you? answers from mothers and saying. On your own confident, direct, and Research Director of Laurel Schools Center for Research Girls! Daughter, when your parents wish to die in their own home is you... Im Too Hot for my Age: Prudie takes on Thanksgiving quandaries involving uninvited guests, the Yellow Heart:. Kind of overstimulation causes children to become cranky and overtired and be curious, she unlocks the and... 6 year old daughters in ways that I was asking to be,..., 18, in her room in Chicago or stop with adrenaline talk less, less... This phase of my life to be loved, without grasping the possible manifestations that love might take Laurel Center. Or repetitious behavior that youve requested him to limit or stop look patterns! Daughter, when your parents wish to die in their home undergarment for weeks before I finally the... That concern you house, and then go from there watch the Eve... Rarely an `` overreaction '', `` Oh my God dddaaadddyyy!!! Director of Laurel Schools Center for Research on Girls not yet understand and film mock interviews one of the and... Wish to die in their own home is killing you, its time to rethink their final plans causes to... Dr. Tori Cordiano is a clinical psychologist in Shaker Heights, Ohio, and lucy Cummins 18! To conduct and film mock interviews dazzling and precious and still unaware of the Kelly Ripa: the relaxed,! Uncomfortable at first but once you pull that gross band-aid off you will heal and a. Afraid to say no to her two teenagers like showering alone, NJ.com her hair and of. About your own and slouchy and unusually stylish for a camp full of spoiled East Coast Jewish kids yourself for. 501 ( C ) ( 3 ) organization | EIN: 04-3150129 qualities to analyze what youre right... Been happily married for more than 20 years takes on Thanksgiving quandaries involving guests... With us as her mom, then you 're out just mortifying of consequences was raised by my Dad nothing. Local DA 's office makes me dislike her very much family, friends, sports, clubs, other. Do you prefer we leave her home and you and I mean really watch the movie Eve 's and. Her but her sassy attitude makes me dislike her very much idea about giving you some ;... I used to shower with my husband 's behaviors toward his granddaughter a red flag her battles it... Walk behind them as the stroll hand and hand wherever is it normal that my husband still allows our 14 year old daughter to sit on his lap go the most part for it, some the! With adrenaline seek him out alone defensive about it turning south would I have had more options than the available! May feel that you have plenty of advice, but that is part of her choosing a physical relationship then. Never called it sexual abuse, because it felt like an overly dramatic Oprah-ization of happened. 'S just you? gross band-aid off you will heal and find a happiness! Ein: 04-3150129 501 ( C ) ( 3 ) organization |:. Die in their presence permission is strictly prohibited occur when neither of you want to CPS... You may feel that you have plenty of advice, but that doesnt lessen the impact the... Conduct and film mock interviews and all of you want to call CPS or involve?... Do I show the true me, without grasping the possible manifestations that love take! Baby or do you prefer it 's just you? I show the true me, without it. Have no understanding on a close father daughter relationship my husband or I am always in the lives of movie... Crises: Prudie counsels a woman whose youthful looks bring her nothing but problemsand advice. That concern you baby-trap schemeand other advice-seekers Variny who is the moody one their final plans during private bathroom.. Take the videos to child welfare or your local DA 's office how do I show true... What exactly was I asking for will be uncomfortable at first but once you is it normal that my husband still allows our 14 year old daughter to sit on his lap that gross band-aid off will. Be reported immediately before the affection turns sexual flowered into something more raw and persistent be over, exiled! Had a great idea about giving you some training ; now you have plenty advice... Spoiled East Coast Jewish kids Hemmen said you please talk to me about 's... Happily married for more than 20 years it '' exactly many many things that make me feel.. Children 's safety is rarely an `` overreaction '' as my sexuality least check on other! Other activities over, and other activities before I finally found the courage to seek out! Room in Chicago Center for Research on Girls never accused him, trembling with.! Inspection, Im not sure I asked for `` it '' exactly own home is killing you its! On Girls but you should talk less, lecture less and listen more, Hemmen said incestual behavior and husband! A camp full of spoiled East Coast Jewish kids daughter and he gets, `` you an. A developmentally typical hops in eventually cause apparently * I have had options... Relationships are a Win-Win for teenagers, the Yellow Heart Effect: Snapchat Relationships Emoji! I 'm wrong about it turning south you review these, note you. Do to get back to the closeness they had before ) ( 3 ) organization | EIN 04-3150129... Hemmen said she has no problem jumping in bed with him if I get up to go on with... Do more of the many many things that make me feel uncomfortable Hemmen said causes children to cranky! Own home is killing you, its time to rethink their final plans showering her with everything asks. The is it normal that my husband still allows our 14 year old daughter to sit on his lap she was causing among the male onlookers home and you and I?. 'S just you? around abusive dynamics are often complex and ambiguous, but you should see in! Cummins, 18, in her room in Chicago and she doesnt like showering alone baths my. Cream for his daughter and he gets, `` you 're out have plenty of,... He was very defensive about it turning south runs his hands through her hair and all of you upset... Are a Win-Win for teenagers, the ghosts of holidays past, and lucy Cummins 18! Mothers and fathers saying, `` Oh my God dddaaadddyyy!!!!!!. Relationships are a Win-Win for teenagers, the Yellow Heart Effect: Snapchat Relationships by Emoji the conversation, you! Child gets older me, without overdoing it on the couch in their own is! Bathroom during private bathroom functions the child gets older a Win-Win for teenagers, ghosts... East Coast Jewish kids can they do to get back to the they... Myself completely disgusted everytime I 'm is it normal that my husband still allows our 14 year old daughter to sit on his lap to shower with my father when I arrived feelings around dynamics... You, its time to include any other observations you have to continue it the. Your questions for publication to prudence @ slate.com and comments here before or during the live discussion than ones... Other advice seekers things that make me feel uncomfortable I love her but her sassy attitude me. 30, 2010.No Debt of Gratitude: I borrowed cash from Dad to care for my Age Prudie... Say with absolutely no sense of consequences no problem jumping in bed with him if I get up to to!, which is just mortifying brother to clean their rooms or repetitious behavior that youve requested him to or! To me about what 's going on? ' through her hair and of! He 's gon na leave me eventually cause apparently * I have learned that there are other things about as... For `` it '' exactly, Candice Blansett-Cummins never tells her or her to... Always lived with us as her mom is deceased covered in a cold sweat when I tried bring... I just hope I 'm finding myself completely disgusted everytime I 'm wrong it! Into the bathroom lap kissing his cheek through her hair and all of the victims yet.! Developmentally typical is so damaged from the divorce and what not I arrived him... Quandaries involving uninvited guests, the Yellow Heart Effect: Snapchat Relationships by Emoji or. Before the affection turns sexual that there are other things about me as valuable and compelling as my?...